Wednesday 23 May 2012

Reiki

So now that I have given you a hint that I fought with my mom last weekend for which I feel terribly guilty about right now - it was uncalled for and she is a really nice person at heart, and that I am probably suffering from some form of prenatal depression leading to such outbursts, it was time to take serious action.

Counseling from two cousins (one of who has suffered from this during her own pregnancy, the other being a doctor by profession), and a lot of therapy talk with another pregnant friend - made me realize that it is about time I started Paranayama. But it is easier said than done. Just because I want to sit and meditate does not mean I am going to sit cross-legged, breathe-in/breathe-out and suddenly hope to turn into a calmer person overnight.

The cousin then suggested that I practice a form of Reiki Meditation where in I imagine a ball of light (yellow color) coming from the sky touching my forehead asking me to be in peace with myself and my surroundings. I then imagine that the same ball touches the forehead of DH , inlaws, parents and other loved ones - making them all in peace with me. This in turn is supposed to help me realize that everyone around me wants only good things for me so I really should get less irritated with the people resulting in a calmer mind and lesser mood swings.

I will let you know if it works in the long run, so far it has been two days - and such things are branded a success after maybe 3 months ( that is how long it takes to make something a daily habit).

That's it for now! Wish me good luck!

Tuesday 22 May 2012

I am only human, thus I make mistakes.

Relationships are fragile. And I am suffering from depression due to my pregnancy. I wish people around me understood this better. But irrespective of whether or not I am understood, it does not give me the right to create scenes and tantrums just because I am pregnant. In the Indian society, the married girl is expected to behave in a certain fashion irrespective of how she actually feels. I am supposed to have a smiling face at all times, look after my inlaws, look after the needs of my husband and my mood swings are not to influence my behavior.

I have taken my parents for granted and hubby too for a certain extent. Last weekend, they got offended by my mood swings. It is a lesson to me in terms of how I really should be behaving. I know that there are several people that I cannot stand and several types of  behavior that I cannot tolerate due to my pregnancy mood patterns. But instead of yelling at people to understand or change, what I really need to do is take a deep breath, count to ten and MOST IMPORTANTLY stay QUIET if I cannot talk politely and put my point across.

We make statements in anger only to realize a while later that we should have rather shut up and we end up feeling guilty for the outburst esp. when it is targeted towards a family member. We cannot chose who becomes a part of our family, but the least we can do is maintain a polite distant relationship with each one ensuring that we do not say anything that would cause hurt to the other.

I promise to change my attitude towards people starting today. I promise to not yell at people for their short-comings. I promise to have a more positive outlook even when I am annoyed with people constantly thanks to my mood swings. I promise to consciously realize that mood swings occur but they will not take over my presence of mind. Mom said a few things she regretted, I said a few more that I regret right now. Time to repair and time to change my attitude.

That's it from me at the moment.

Sunday 20 May 2012

Is this Prenatal Depression?

It is assumed that pregnancy is the most joyful time of your life. So no one really is ready to believe that she might be suffering from depression during pregnancy. It started with problems before conception, one round of fertility cycle etc. and finally conceiving last December 2011. The relief of having finally conceived followed slight irritation with family members that I believed did not cooperate well with my pregnancy. Fortunately, unfortunately my mom has been the brunt of my pregnancy mood swings more often than I could care to admit. I wish I could take back some of the things that I have told her but then I have been depressed and I get provoked easily and my mom is very good at provoking me.

In South Indian tradition, it is expected that the girl leaves her husband's home and settles in her mom's place during preparation for the child birth and a few months after delivery as well. I am not so sure I really want to go stay at mom's place. My mom and I have always been a mix of Oil and Water with respect to our views on most things in life - meaning we really do not get along and our views on anything do not match - but we make do because we are related and because she is my mom and I need to tolerate her. With my own pregnancy harmones raging high and my mood swings reaching alarming heights with both happiness and depression ; I seriously doubt if this is the right time to spend quality time with mom knowing very well that we cannot stand each other much!

I have not gone into a very traditional family after marriage- still certain customs are expected and that is how the Indian society works - so I am hoping I will try my best to not encourage unnecessary confrontations and cause hurt to my fragile relationship that exists between my mom and me.

- P.S. This post was written after my mom threatened to walk out of my house yesterday after having invited her for lunch and she arrived at 3 pm and I complained of her being late and that she had to spend so much time at the Jewellers'

Her response : "I don't want to be dragged for lunch to your house only to be humiliated - we can eat anywhere we want. Ever since your pregnancy has started, you have been a pain to me and you have caused me great sorrow!"

Me : Speechless.